Author Topic: caregivers and ptsd.  (Read 909 times)

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Offline hayshaker

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caregivers and ptsd.
« on: August 31, 2019, 08:54:38 PM »
well it's been a year now since my wife passed. I cared for her for 13yrs.
in that time I have fallen apart in many ways. I used to love to make knives
as many here know, I've made one knife in the last yr. I just got done watching
a y-tube video on deep south preppers channel, discussing the unseen enemy
{our mind} dealing with his loss of his wife to breast cancer and how it was for him
as her care giver. everyone says you need to find a friend, some say move the heck out of bfe.
both seem impossible at this point. tonight I took the pictures off the wall and had a strange feeling.

the only real comfort it seems I've gotten is from my forum family. folks here are too busy
for this and that reason. a year later I still struggle not long ago I thought only combat vets
got ptsd, not so.  little by little i'm trying to get back the desire to make knives.
I do wish to say thanks to all the good people here that have been there for me. it means a lot.

Offline wsdstan

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2019, 10:19:10 PM »
Life can throw us a lot of heavy loads to carry as you well know Michael.  It can take a long time to get back to a path that gives you what you want in life.  I think you have done well and shown a lot of strength in dealing with losing your wife. 

We have talked a lot about what one does when things when things go awry and we sometimes try to go back to where we were. You will find a new path and it will be one that will give you back some focus and new goals in life.  It has been a year and time passes slowly when happiness is lost.   
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns  something he can learn in no other way. 
(Mark Twain)

Offline Phaedrus

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2019, 12:44:58 AM »
I'm for your loss.  I know it's a loss that doesn't really stop, but is with you every day that she's not.  Man, I wish there's something I could do or say to help, but words seem wholly inadequate.

Offline duxdawg

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2019, 08:54:28 AM »
We're pulling for ya.

Offline Phaedrus

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2019, 06:42:19 PM »
I'm for your loss.  I know it's a loss that doesn't really stop, but is with you every day that she's not.  Man, I wish there's something I could do or say to help, but words seem wholly inadequate.

Sorry, I was trying to say I'm sorry for your loss.  I think it goes without saying that if you need someone to talk to many of us would love to listen.

Offline Spyder1958

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2019, 05:08:39 PM »
Can't put it any better than Stan has Michael. If you can try something new or get away for a trip, anything that will help clear your mind not your memories. I'm available any time if you need to talk, just msg me I'll send my number. Good luck buddy, I'm praying for you.
You are free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.
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Offline xj35s

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2019, 06:34:00 AM »
I'm really glad you brought this up. I have wanted to say something similar but didn't know how.

Hayshaker, I'm in the same boat. Since I lost my sister 2 years ago I haven't done much. There are multiple threads here by me doing interesting things, if not bushy, then mechanical. I had solice in walking with Julia and Xena in the woods out back. Julia is gone as of 8/20 now of Lymphoma. Died 3 weeks after the biopsy. Xena is just now getting over the depression and starting to go in the woods with me but she's not as energetic or enthusiastic about it. I've wanted to do a dozen things this summer. The nationals car show. The big airshow at the Pocono Speedway. Many other things. I just stay home.

Part of me considers that it should be liberating not having the responsibility Of always being with Julia. I can go and do things now because she's not sad I'm gone. But it's not the same. Xena is indepenent and doesn't mind being alone. We can leave her for an overnight and my neighbors will feed her and let her out. But we just stay home.
We have the time and money, but just stay home. I have a perfect job yet think about quiting all the time. We talk about selling most of our things and moving south. Living in a camper until we can find a place. But probably never will.

I know a lot of people that feel kind of similar. It makes me think there's something in the air or food. Like a world full of zombies living for the next new story to complain about.
I drive all night on east coast time. What time zone are you in Hayshaker? I think 9pm here is 6pm there but not certain. I'll call you.
pessimist complain about the wind. optimist expect the wind to change. realist adjusts the sails.

Offline wsdstan

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2019, 09:41:49 AM »
xj35, Michael is in central time  (in western Minnesota)
so he is an hour ahead of eastern.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns  something he can learn in no other way. 
(Mark Twain)

Offline hayshaker

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2019, 06:26:22 PM »
sorry to hear all you've been thru xj. grief and loss is a hard thing.
btw i'm on central time. things take time.

Offline Unknown

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2019, 09:14:19 PM »
Hayshaker, I like you.
Maybe for no particular reason.
    It seems in reading, you,  XJ ; might be somewhat like me.

In part, it is how and where we live ( aka afar off)
 -though we be separated by 1000 miles each,
 it is not so much the remote environment,
but the condition of the culture which we came up in
   which is I think- not so different- though we be 1000 miles away.
I'm over 50. Less than 60 years of Life. aren't you almost the same?

Loss, Pain, Injury, Suffering, Devastation, Death... I have never felt a true sense of commiseration in what I say-
     maybe i just cannot tell a compelling story;
even though we have each been filled,
over-pouring with stories-
parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles,mistakes, errors, misinformation.

Every time.
  There is a better/worse story:
for which I am expected to bow toward.
Like a game of: who is most wronged!

Hayshaker no one, nobody is going to make things better by going along with your grief;
saying how bad, and how sorry.
(And to hell with the ones who can do you one better at how bad it can be.)

You have strength, courage, diligence
 /Proven/ 
Go and do that now.
I will too
...don't go thinking you know me.
                                                  -Unknown

Offline xj35s

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2019, 05:48:31 PM »
Hayshaker no one, nobody is going to make things better by going along with your grief;
saying how bad, and how sorry.
(And to hell with the ones who can do you one better at how bad it can be.)


I hope I didn't come across that way. Mike and I had a good long conversation. We are very similar in the ways we grew up. I have the upmost respect for Hayshaker. We'll talk often I think.

I was just trying to say I felt unmotivated too. I didn't want to make a new post about Julia's passing (just a dog right?). One day at a time...
pessimist complain about the wind. optimist expect the wind to change. realist adjusts the sails.

Offline hayshaker

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2019, 01:55:47 PM »
your dog is not just a dog. it's your buddy in them is no gile or sceaming as is in humans.
they love you no matter what, like when your down in the dumps they know and are there for you,
that's a real friend. like pres Nixon once said if you want a friend in Washington get a dog.

Offline Unknown

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #12 on: October 20, 2019, 07:02:08 PM »
We have all experienced loss, pain, hurt. It seems a common thing; in a natural effort to demonstrate one's ability to commiserate with the hearing of another's loss, to share one's own experience-to tell another (hopefully)even more sad tale. As if to say, "do not feel so sad my friend; hear how bad it has been for me."
  _ such has been my experience. My thought is - geez, why couldn't you just say: sorry, sad, oh no, can I help? After the mourner hears such a tale what should he say: omg, can i help? sad, so sorry?
           Then, only to hear  "nah dude that was 10 years ago."


Is it bad for me to hold such opinions? We are that age. Our more reckless friends/family died young.Our parents are gone or failing in health. I can imagine it is not uncommon to worry after ones spouse-driving in bad weather, sitting in tree stands, falling off a mountain- reaction times, following safety protocols, physical ability to recover, and more- it's a potential nightmare for us middle age folks.

I'm sorry to hear your news Hay, and glad you have a friend as good as XJ to talk with.

I used XJ as an example in my exposition because I like him. And, because i figured he was not so soft and sensitive as many Unknown haters have proven to be. That is not to say I blame any Unknown haters: I understand why.

What to do? We have love, attachment, dependence on others. Some fall, are lost, pass away, taken-there are so many ways to go.  For myself, I have prepared much insurance, so my passing may lead to many celebrations. (not to mention your own glee *points at (you) )   To make an elaborate memorial vs an urn on the shelf. I suppose it is primarily a financial decision. What is the right way to remember? I have no answer.

Why do we not have a thing in this culture that prepares one for loss, especially the loss of self? You may say we do, if we do; then why is it so ineffective?
...don't go thinking you know me.
                                                  -Unknown

Offline Trader Tut

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #13 on: October 21, 2019, 06:55:57 PM »
Life goes on, " don't waste your life ". As I was told by a woman who was to me "An outdoor man's Dream". It will be 16 yrs. xmas eve after a 38 mo. day &hour the Battle was lost . Time heals slowly. Life is Good. Tut
I Farm the Forest - Water & Land - Woodsbum

Offline marchone

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2019, 09:04:14 AM »
A friend of mine recently said, “Either get busy living or get busy dying.” It’s tough love but he’s right.
Wayne

Offline hayshaker

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Re: caregivers and ptsd.
« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2019, 05:07:17 PM »
wow that's really solid advice thanks.